What are you really feeling?
by harmony-of-mar
Summary: chapter five: Allen thought people were like stars, they appeared close together, but were really far apart.
1. Hate and love are the same

**Ok, I really have no idea how I came up with this, I think it was a dream I had. I can have pretty trippy dreams. Oh well, on with it.**

**I don't own d.gray-man.**

**--**

_Allen Walker._

_The name that sends volts of electricity up my spine. I'm in love with Allen Walker._

_Though I know he isn't in love with me. There's no room for me, is there, Allen?_

_You've closed your heart off from everyone around you, dedicating yourself to Akuma and Akuma alone._

_True enough, you do seem to care for me, and Lavi, and brother, and others, but do you really?_

_Is it because you feel you need to care, rather then actually want to care?_

_You claim we are your friends, and that you love us, but are you only saying that out of politeness, because you feel since you have to, since we are fighting the same war?_

_But we aren't in the same war, are we?_

_You're fighting alone, just you, the Akuma, and that…that eye, which I hate so much. It has stolen you, possessed you, it will not let you go until every Akuma on earth is destroyed._

_And then what, Allen? _

_Will you leave?_

_I don't want to ever say goodbye, but you would prefer to fight every single battle on your own, I'm sure._

_You don't want anyone to enter your world of horror and darkness and pain, you think it' yours to face alone and that if you try to connect with another human you will cause that person pain._

_No, it's only you in that world._

_You and the Akuma._

_That eye, Allen, that horrible eye...Why do you have it? Why did your father give it to you?_

_It has robbed you of this world, but this world…You need it, Allen, and it needs you._

_Why won't you let yourself out?_

_You don't need to hide from us; you don't need to carry that burden alone._

_Please, Allen, that night when you were missing and I found you, and you wouldn't tell me what was wrong, I wanted to scream and shout and hit you until you had some sense, and I begged you… "Don't go any further into that dark place."_

_But you did, didn't you?_

_I can see it when you I look into your eyes…Your clear, grey, beautiful eyes have lost part of their humanity. They are always looking to the horizon, as though searching for Akuma._

_Even when they look right at me they aren't really seeing me, and that hurts, Allen, it hurts so bad that I've lost you. _

_Not that I ever really had you._

_I love you, Allen Walker._

_I hate you, Allen Walker._

_--_

Lenalee let out a sob as she wrote this diary entry, and wiped a tear from her eyes. She could never let anyone know this was how she felt. Sighing, she looked out from her secret spot on the roof and over the city of Paris. The City Of Love, they called it. If that was true, then why couldn't it open Allen's heart to someone? Anyone? Her…

Suddenly, she felt the presence of another person behind her. Swiveling her body around, she saw a silhouette reading her diary over her shoulder. She gasped in surprise, but before she could do anything she felt strong, warm arms around her, embracing her tightly as though to protect her against the world.

'I'm sorry, Lenalee, I'm just…Sorry…'

Lenalee closed her eyes, tears falling down her face as she leant against Allen's chest.

'Allen…'

'I love you, Lenalee Lee.'

--

**Yeah, confused? As am I. I still don't know really what happened; I probably shouldn't write stuff based on dreams.**

**Anyway, hoped you like this one-shot, and please review. If you do, I will personally pm you with my thanks, plus a cookie.**


	2. Cold showers

**I came up with this…in the shower. Though it wasn't cold, cos its winter.**

**I don't own d.gray-man unfortunately.**

**--**

_I like cold showers._

_Well, not really, I actually detest them, they're so….Cold._

_But I still have them, I do all I can to build up my endurance, and I was told when I was younger that's what they did, so every time, It's a cold shower, even in winter._

_I try to see how long I can stand under the icy water before admitting defeat and getting out, to see how long I can take it. _

_I don't know what warm water feels like, because one warm shower would lead to another, and then soon enough, I'm taking hot showers, and have grown comfortable and my endurance is lessened, and to have your endurance lessened, even by the small amount gained by cold showers, is not a good thing._

_Comfort does nothing to aid you in battle, and anything that didn't aid you only drags you down._

_I was sitting in the cafeteria a few days ago, and I could hear Lavi and Allen talking at the table behind mine. _

_They were laughing at a funny story Komui had told them. _

_When I looked over at them, they invited me to join them, but I didn't, I just told them to stop acting like idiots and get serious. Lavi told me acting like kids is what kept them sane._

_I think...Lavi and Allen and the others….They are like hot water._

_I'm jealous of them, the way they're so close, the friendship they all share, the love they have for everyone around them, but I…._

_It's hard to explain._

_If I started being friendly to them, and they were friendly back, and maybe I wouldn't feel as miserable as I do, though I don't show it._

_Truth is, though I would never admit it even under torture, if I cared about the people in my life, in the order, and they died, I would be hurt, and I'm scared of getting hurt._

_There, I friggen' said it!_

_I'm scared, that just as I found a good thing in this stupid, destructive life I would lose it suddenly._

_Something can disappear just as suddenly as it appeared._

_Lenalee says that each person in the order is like family, and when a person dies it's like a part of her dies._

_It's that love that could easily rip a person apart, to cloud their judgement in battle._

_That's how they are like hot water, and the way I deny myself of closeness, and family and friends to protect myself, that's my cold water._

_I am an exorcist._

_Nothing more then a human weapon._

_I exist to destroy._

_But…Beansprout said that we weren't destroying Akuma; we were saving their souls. _

_When he told me that, for a second, I felt kind of good, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time; warm water._

_But I quickly turned off the tap, and the shower ran cold again._

_Am I being selfish?_

_Yes, I am, to protect myself._

_If I grew close to any of them, I could end up dead, and I can't die, not yet._

_I made up my mind a long time ago, I would give up my own self to find that person._

_So why do I feel so hollow inside?_

_--_

**Kanda looked up.** Lavi was sitting opposite him, staring out the train window. He and Allen were in the middle of a poker game, in which Lavi was losing, and Allen had briefly left to go to the bathroom.

Kanda remembered when Lavi first arrived at the order. He'd been cold and uncaring, much like the samurai, but over time, his heart had warmed greatly, and he'd become apart of the family, even though it was against his clan rules.

'Oi, Eyepatch.'

'Yes, Yu?' Lavi looked at him, smiling.

'Why are you happy?'

Lavi blinked in surprise and confusion, caught off guard by the unusual question.

'Well?' Kanda insisted 'Answer already.'

'I don't know, really,' Lavi shrugged, scratching his head, 'I guess it's cos of all my friends. I tell you, being a bookman is a pretty miserable life; I didn't realize how much I hated it until I experienced something different.'

'But aren't you afraid of what it will do to you if one of your friends die? Or what Bookman senior thinks?'

'Bookman isn't as smart as he thinks,' Lavi chuckled, 'And yeah, if a friend dies, of course I'll be sad, but I wont regret having friends, not one bit, because they made me so happy, and gave me so many memories, and I'd have to be strong for the other people around me. If a person isn't living for another person, he isn't living at all.'

Suddenly, the door opened and Allen came and sat down. Lavi dealt the cards.

'Ok, I'm definitely winning this round!'

'As if!' Allen laughed.

'Hey,' Kanda began, 'Can I play?'

Allen looked around in shock, his cards slipping from his hands. Lavi clutched his heart and pretended to faint. Kanda sweatdropped, thinking he was over-reacting slightly.

'Yu-Chan!' Lavi gasped from the ground, 'you're actually being…SOCIABLE?!'

'Just answer the damn question.' Kanda rolled his dark eyes.

'Of course you can!' Allen nodded, handing him some cards, 'You know how to play?'

'A bit, you'll need to give me a refresher course.'

--

**That night, after they got back from their mission, Kanda went to the showers and undressed. **He turned the cold tap, and stepped in, shuddering in discomfort as the icy water raked at his skin**.**

'Screw this,' He muttered.

He reached out and turned on the hot tap, and sighed as the water warmed, steam rising around him, and he felt a lot better.

Hot water wasn't that bad.

--

**Ok, it was kinda retarded, but I think it represented Kanda quite well.**

**Review!111!!**

**Ok, we've seen inside Lenalee, Kanda, who next? Allen or Lavi?**


	3. I am no Bookman

**Hi, my names Harms-**

**-**_**Hi harms-**_

_**-**_**And I don't own D.gray-man!**

_**horrified gasps**_

**_--_**

_You know what I hate?_

_I hate Ink. And books. And pens._

_But most of all I hate myself._

_Oh sure, I act all nice and cheerful and happy, and really, that's truly me most of the time, but sometimes…Sometimes I just….Ugh…._

_I love my friends, really, I do, more then anything._

_Allen, because he's caring and nice,_

_Lenalee, for her strong will and sweet personality, (and I'd be lying if I didn't say I thought she was pretty too, but then Allen would get pretty upset.)_

_And Yu, cos even though he tries to hide it he's a good person deep down. Plus, he's fun to tease. Heh._

_But I'm forced to turn them all into Ink, and everytime I open a notebook, everytime I write their names down, everytime I record them, my heart feels like it's dying._

_I felt the same in Roads dream world, only there, it actually did die._

_I remember the first time I lost someone close to me._

_It was Allen._

_I wanted to cry so bad, but I couldn't._

_Then I saw him again, and for a second I thought I was hallucinating, and I wanted to cry some more. I was happy, and Panda almost caught me out._

_Then, Yu died._

_And Krory._

_I wanted to scream, to break down, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to feel._

_Road took advantage of that, and I almost killed the remainder of the people closest to me._

_So, that's when I realized, I was no Bookman._

_I tried to take my own life, to protect them. That's, like, number one I the "Bookmen do not-" list._

_When Panda found me and asked me to join, I accepted. _

_I thought I could stay away from people, I thought I could remain indifferent and bias, only fighting with the church to keep the world alive, cos, you know, no world, no history to record._

_But then I found my innocence, met Yu and Komui and Lenalee and Allen and the members of the science department, and things started to fall apart._

_But at the same time, it felt like things were coming together._

_Panda thinks I only act like a friend to get close to the history-makers, and at first that was true, but then, after a while, my smile became real._

_I don't want to have my life dictated by a set of stupid rules that don't make sense._

_I'm not a real Bookman, I just look like one…..A very handsome one, if I might add._

_Sorry Panda, but I have a heart, no matter how many times you kick me in the head._

_--_

'**Allen, are you alright?'**

Allen looked up, tears running down his cheeks. Lavi looked back concernedly.

'Oh!' Allen hastily wiped his face, 'Um, yeah, I just…Um….'

'It's ok,' Lavi smiled, patting him on the head. 'You don't have to tell me…Now cheer up, Kay? Frowning will give you wrinkles, and you'll have a face to match that hair of yours."

Allen chuckled and smiled brightly. Lavi grinned back. This was what life should be about; making other people happy, not turning them to ink on pages.

--

**Well? Reveiw!**

**Hope you thought it captured Lavi well.**


	4. OF COURSE I'M IN DENIAL!

**I don't own d.gray-man.**

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_I'm not in love with Bak._

_Not at all._

_Because he's an idiot, and I got better things to do with my mind other then think about love or anything like that, I gotta focus on my job, and that's it._

_I __don't__ love Bak._

_My heart did __not__ skip a beat, that time, as I lay in the water, Walker had told me he was crying for me._

_I am __not__ jealous of that stupid, creepy crush he has on the Lee girl._

_But seriously, what the hell is going on with that?_

_Bak's too old for her, and she's such a Mary-sue._

_But once again, I'm not jealous._

_Because I know that I'm just a guardian deity, all I do is protect the branch and other such things._

_I've got no interest in that type of thing._

_Let Bak be an idiot, let him do what he likes, just so long as he doesn't screw up too badly and I have to clean up after him._

_He's an intelligent person, but not in that department._

_I've learnt with humans, they're either smart idiots or dumb geniuses._

_Bak's a dumb genius._

_Baka Bak._

_Why am I even trying to prove to myself I don't love him?_

_I don't! _

_Really!_

_It's not my fault if it seems like I do, I mean….I do care about him, he's a friend and colleague, sort of…._

_But that's it._

_I don't think of him any other way._

_Because I don't love him._

_Do I think he's attractive? NO!_

_Ok, yes, admittedly, he's handsome, and he's a good person._

_He's kind, and caring, and he's responsible._

_I don't love Bak Chan….._

_WELL OF COURSE I'M IN DENIAL!_

_--_

'**Fou.'**

Bak watched as Fou materialized in front of him from the wall.

'Yeah?'

'Just letting you know I'm going to headquarters now to help with the move,' Bak smiled. 'So I'll see you later.'

'Ok,' Fou nodded, 'I'll look after things until you get back….Though Bak?'

'Yes?'

'IF YOU GET YOURSELF INJURED LIKE LAST TIME YOU WENT AWAY I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!'

Bak cried out and stumbled back as Fou leapt forward, covering his face with his hands to protect himself, but instead of being punched, he felt arms around him. He took away his hands, and blinked in surprise as he discovered Fou was hugging him tightly, and…She was crying?

'F-Fou? Are you ok?'

'Just shut up and hug me.'

--

**Yeah, turned out a bit weird, huh? Meh, reviews please, and tell me which dgm character you'd like me to do next!**


	5. People are like stars

**Lavi: uh, Harms sent us here to tell you he's sorry she hasn't updated in so long.**

**Kanda: And please forgive her for the last chapter no one wanted to review, she has failed you as a writer.**

**Allen: She's being a bit hard on herself isn't she? I mean, Bak and Fou are good together!**

**Lavi: We know. Anyway, she wrote this Allen oneshot to apologise, and it will reference to the stuff in the flash back in chapter 166.**

**Kanda: she doesn't own us.**

**--**

_People are like stars._

_They appear bright and close together, but really, they are light years apart with nothing but cold, dark space between them._

_That's what I used to think as I sat alone on a swing, in the play ground, watching the other children with their loving parents, giving them kisses and hugs, comforting them with their kind words if the fell._

_It sickened me._

_What if those children had the same deformity I did? _

_Would their parents be so loving to them then? _

_Or would they have tossed them out on the street, embarrassed of their own child's appearance._

_In the end, people were selfish, only wanting the best things, getting rid of the less then perfect in their search._

_The circus is in town, and they sometimes hire me to do odd jobs._

_I accept, I need the money to buy food._

_The ring master saw my hand, and asked if I would like to be a part of their freak show._

_How selfish can you get?_

_That wasn't the kind of thing you said to a child... Well, not a normal one at least._

_That excludes me._

_I sometimes talk to one of the performers as I work, a clown named Mana. He seems nice enough I guess, but it's probably just from charity. One day, I told him about the similarities between stars and humans._

_Mana laughed._

'_Allen, that's an awfully pessimistic view on the world, especially for a kid, you need to lighten up.'_

'_It's the truth though,' I grumbled, annoyed at his constant attempts to make me smile, 'People are like stars.'_

_Mana nodded and sat next to me, smiling, and told me something that would change me completely._

'_People are like stars, but for a different reason. Each star has their own brightness, and if a star is bright enough, their light can reach the next star, to fill up the black cold space, to cheer the other star up.'_

_I told Mana that was silly, and he told me I was silly, and then ruffled my hair._

_But he'd given me a little hope._

_Their own brightness, huh?_

_I guess that means my parents weren't even stars at all, they were just hunks of cosmic rocks, bashing into planets, destroying all they hit._

_The more I thought about it, the more I could see it made sense._

_Back then, I had acted poorly towards other people, because they acted poorly to me._

_But really, it was the other way around. _

_Not everyone cared that I had a deformed left arm... _

_Mana certainly didn't._

_And the next time I saw him, I told him, that he was a star. _

_He told me I was one too, and for the first time in my life, I smiled._

_--_

**OMG SOMEONE REVEIWED THE LAST CHAPTER! SUPER DUPER HUGS TO TRADGEDY SAID!**

**And by the way, if you guys haven't read chapter 166, Allen used to be brattish and distrustful before he was adopted by mana. Actually before I saw his hand I thought he was a young Kanda...**

**REVEIW!**


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